May 19, 2022

Olympic competitors should think twice before stepping on Tokyo’s bedrock. The world’s greatest athletes are going to sleep on cardboard beds that are purportedly engineered to fall under the weight of fornicators in order to prevent sexual acts during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Olympic organizers who have already advised 2021 Games participants to avoid two-person push-ups due to the coronavirus have reportedly installed 18,000 of the cardboard beds in the notoriously sex-crazed athletes’ village.

Airweave, a Japanese business, invented the 100 percent recyclable cardboard beds.

“Beds to be installed in Tokyo Olympic Village will be made of cardboard; this is aimed at avoiding intimacy among athletes,” American distance runner Paul Chelimo tweeted.

“Beds will be able to withstand the weight of a single person to avoid situations beyond sports,” Chelimo cracked. “I see no problem for distance runners; even 4 of us can do.”

Although Olympic competitors have never shied away from hanky panky, organizers have cautioned that it could be particularly troublesome this year in light of the pandemic. However, officials appear to understand that it will take much more than the improvised bunks to keep players out of the pole position.

They are handing out condoms to competitors, just as they have done at every Olympic Games since 1988. This year, the total number of condoms distributed is 160,000. That is still a far cry from the 450,000 tickets distributed for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

This year, Olympic authorities say that the rubber will be sent home with participants to help spread the message of safe sex.

“Our intent and goal are not for athletes to use the condoms at the Olympic Village, but to help with awareness by taking them back to their own countries,” the Tokyo Olympics Organizing Committee told Japan Today.

Officials reported Sunday that at least two athletes have tested positive for the coronavirus at the Tokyo Olympic Village. Another Village resident, a foreign visitor involved in the Games’ organizing, tested positive a day earlier.