Have you ever woken up in a state of terror, convinced that you were losing your mind? That’s exactly what happened to film director Kevin Smith one morning last January. What was even more terrifying was the realization that this wasn’t an isolated incident, but rather a symptom of a deeper issue that had been brewing for years.
Feeling like he had no choice but to confront his demons head-on, Smith checked himself into Arizona’s Sierra Tucson treatment center the very next day. For the next month, he underwent intensive therapy to unpack the childhood traumas that had led him to create and hide behind a “larger than life” public persona, which he calls “the other guy.” But as he soon realized, this persona had eventually taken over, leaving his core sense of self in shambles.
In an exclusive interview with PEOPLE, Smith opened up about this life-changing experience for the very first time. He revealed that his complete break from reality had left him feeling so lost and helpless that he wouldn’t have minded if he ceased to exist altogether. It was only after reaching out to a friend and seeking help that he was able to start on the path to recovery.
As it turns out, the events that had led Smith to this breaking point had taken place over four decades ago. Sexual abuse and weight shaming had left a deep psychological wound that he had been trying to recover from ever since.
Sexual Abuse at Age Six
At the tender age of six, Kevin Smith’s innocence was shattered when an older boy coerced him into performing sexual acts with a young girl from their neighborhood.
For years, Smith had convinced himself that it was nothing more than child’s play in an alleyway. However, during a therapy session in January, his therapist opened his eyes to the reality of the situation.
She explained that when someone forces you to do something against your will and core values, that’s considered sexual abuse. Sadly, this wasn’t the only traumatic experience of Smith’s childhood.
Public Ridicule by Teacher at Age Nine
At just nine years old, his fourth-grade teacher publicly ridiculed the size of his stomach in front of his entire class.
It was a devastating blow for Smith. He felt utterly worthless and repulsive, leading him to create an alternate persona, which he named “the other guy.” This persona was entertaining and likable, a stark contrast to how he felt about himself. He used it as a shield to prevent anyone from noticing his weight, allowing him to fit in and be accepted.
At the age of 24, Smith gained sudden fame with his independent film Clerks in 1994.
Following this success, Smith experienced feelings of self-loathing and began to immerse himself in his work. He was afraid to take a break, fearing it would negatively impact his career.
Eventually, Smith realized he needed to make a change and sought help at a treatment center. While in therapy, he found it challenging to share his experiences with military veterans who were dealing with PTSD.
Trauma Affects Everyone Equally
Smith initially felt his own trauma was insignificant compared to theirs, but he eventually learned that trauma affects everyone’s nervous system equally, regardless of the source.
“In the beginning, it was tough to share when somebody’s talking about watching their friend get killed and I’m like, ‘Well, my fourth-grade teacher told me I was fat,’” said Smith.
He added, “But I learned that there’s no differentiation [between levels of trauma] to the human nervous system. Internally, trauma is trauma.”
Smith discovered the transformative influence of self-acceptance, which was a novel idea for him. He had previously measured his value based on his capacity to amuse others.
Additionally, he found the mindfulness techniques he learned to be beneficial. These exercises, such as focusing on his breathing, helped him stay attentive to the present instead of ruminating on past or future events.
Smith acknowledges that this was a revelation for him since he had always struggled with depression about the past or anxiety about the future.
Smith’s Path to Mindful Self-Care and Mental Health Advocacy
Smith recognizes that in the future, he will face numerous emotional fluctuations as he strives to develop a deeper comprehension of his “true self.” Concurrently, he intends to promote the significance of “mindful self-care” to his supporters.
Smith has made changes in his life, including quitting smoking marijuana and reducing the time he spends on social media. He is also resolute about slowing down his demanding work schedule.
“I’m curious to discover if I can reach a point where I’m comfortable being in my own company,” he reflects. “I want to be able to sit with my thoughts and be content.”
Smith is resolute in his desire to spread awareness about mental health issues and share the coping mechanisms he has learned to discover inner peace.
Despite his trepidation about how his message will be received, he is committed to reaching out to those who may benefit from hearing his story. Additionally, he is releasing a personal video account of his mental health journey to reach a wider audience.
Smith firmly believes that someone out there, just like he once was, may find solace and comfort in his experience.